Post by sheriff on Aug 9, 2020 0:13:56 GMT -6
WAR
IN
AFRICA
By Murasaki Shikibu
Though the Eurasian front has held the eyes of Japan's citizens for some time now, the wars in Africa wage on with utter disregard for the communist menace rallying in the Urals- with the parties involved interested instead only in their own corporate goals!
Madagascar has recently come under the complete control of Dominoes Corp., despite significant pushback from both local Praetoria-Rhodesia political and security forces, as well as the UNN. Asked for a comment on this matter, the representative from the multinational pizza chain could only offer an assurance that every person now under the faux-rule of the company would be provided their complimentary pizza as demanded by the original order. No other policy questions could be answered at the time, due to a sudden intrusion of UNN RAPAX units launching an assault on the forward operating base the representative was speaking from. The UNN has been heavily involved in the fighting following the supposedly accidental destruction of one of their new-model orbital destroyers by Dominoes' hidden delivery fleet during its initial descent to Madagascar. Though there have been no official sanctions yet from the UNN on the corporation, multiple reports from local agencies indicate its marines and droids are involved with ensuring that Dominoes does not slaughter the local populace.
Outside of Madagascar, however, the pizza chain's control is far from solidified. With the island serving as its beachhead in its African campaign, it has launched a myriad of delivery attempts into the mainland of the continent- and most of these attempts have ended with hundreds of indigenous residents dead, and the surviving European-descended persons served a complimentary extra-large, one-topping pizza with a liter-sized drink of their choosing. The rest have resulted in the rebuffing of Dominoes forces by the regional branches of Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, and Little Caesar's. Outside of the pizza market, Dominoes faces its biggest opposition from McDonalds Corp., who much like the UNN, suffered the loss of one of its aircraft at the hands of the pizza conglomerate- but more importantly, it suffered the loss of millions of Happy MealsTM. In response, the burger chain unleashed its most dreaded strike force onto the continent in order to retrieve its lost product: Matt Damon. This cybernetically enhanced super-actor has carved a warpath across the continent with the ferocity of a whole platoon of RAPAX units. While his effectiveness has drawn condemnation from the UNN for McDonald's blatantly dangerous augmentations utilized in the creation of Cyber-Damon, attempts to reign in his fervent collection of delicious McNuggets have ended in repeated failure by all parties; all while Mr. Damon has displayed astounding courage under fire, just for the sake of delivering the lost Happy Meals to the hungry Africans who paid 3$ + 199$ shipping and handling to receive them in their remote villages.
While our readers no doubt remember the event with horror, neither McDonalds nor Dominoes have issued a public apology for the nuclear annihilation which occurred on the Greater Aethiopia-New Zululand border during a skirmish between Mr. Damon and a group of Dominoes security operators. Roughly six hours after the engagement began, twelve nuclear warheads decimated roughly a thousand square miles of land and left hundreds of thousands of villagers dead; Mr. Damon, however, left the scene seemingly unharmed. Both companies deny involvement and offer their condolences, and UNN investigators have pointed to the launch point as being within the Eurasian heartland- with the country denying any and all nuclear launches from its territory- but public opinion still seems firmly rooted in the belief that one of the two corporations had to be involved due to the utter lack of cause for Eurasia to enter into an African front while engaged with Federation-UNN forces in the east.
Though the conquest of Madagascar signals a turning point in the war, it is unlikely that it will come to a speedy conclusion due to the sheer scope of Dominoes' mission in the continent: to free the African people of the evil melanin which plagues their society, and to forge a new future where every man, woman, and child can never go hungry again thanks to a fast, fresh delivery of steaming hot pizza pies to their doors. Economic observers speculate that this latter goal will be more than feasible given Dominoes' current production capacity, accounting for the massive drop in population due to their organized genocide of the native Africans at the behest of the chain's C.E.O, who has in the past voiced an interest in requiring all customers compare their skin against a tone chart in order to receive service, as well as stating that he simply can't trust a person whose skin doesn't let UV rays pass through it.
IN
AFRICA
By Murasaki Shikibu
Though the Eurasian front has held the eyes of Japan's citizens for some time now, the wars in Africa wage on with utter disregard for the communist menace rallying in the Urals- with the parties involved interested instead only in their own corporate goals!
Madagascar has recently come under the complete control of Dominoes Corp., despite significant pushback from both local Praetoria-Rhodesia political and security forces, as well as the UNN. Asked for a comment on this matter, the representative from the multinational pizza chain could only offer an assurance that every person now under the faux-rule of the company would be provided their complimentary pizza as demanded by the original order. No other policy questions could be answered at the time, due to a sudden intrusion of UNN RAPAX units launching an assault on the forward operating base the representative was speaking from. The UNN has been heavily involved in the fighting following the supposedly accidental destruction of one of their new-model orbital destroyers by Dominoes' hidden delivery fleet during its initial descent to Madagascar. Though there have been no official sanctions yet from the UNN on the corporation, multiple reports from local agencies indicate its marines and droids are involved with ensuring that Dominoes does not slaughter the local populace.
Outside of Madagascar, however, the pizza chain's control is far from solidified. With the island serving as its beachhead in its African campaign, it has launched a myriad of delivery attempts into the mainland of the continent- and most of these attempts have ended with hundreds of indigenous residents dead, and the surviving European-descended persons served a complimentary extra-large, one-topping pizza with a liter-sized drink of their choosing. The rest have resulted in the rebuffing of Dominoes forces by the regional branches of Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, and Little Caesar's. Outside of the pizza market, Dominoes faces its biggest opposition from McDonalds Corp., who much like the UNN, suffered the loss of one of its aircraft at the hands of the pizza conglomerate- but more importantly, it suffered the loss of millions of Happy MealsTM. In response, the burger chain unleashed its most dreaded strike force onto the continent in order to retrieve its lost product: Matt Damon. This cybernetically enhanced super-actor has carved a warpath across the continent with the ferocity of a whole platoon of RAPAX units. While his effectiveness has drawn condemnation from the UNN for McDonald's blatantly dangerous augmentations utilized in the creation of Cyber-Damon, attempts to reign in his fervent collection of delicious McNuggets have ended in repeated failure by all parties; all while Mr. Damon has displayed astounding courage under fire, just for the sake of delivering the lost Happy Meals to the hungry Africans who paid 3$ + 199$ shipping and handling to receive them in their remote villages.
While our readers no doubt remember the event with horror, neither McDonalds nor Dominoes have issued a public apology for the nuclear annihilation which occurred on the Greater Aethiopia-New Zululand border during a skirmish between Mr. Damon and a group of Dominoes security operators. Roughly six hours after the engagement began, twelve nuclear warheads decimated roughly a thousand square miles of land and left hundreds of thousands of villagers dead; Mr. Damon, however, left the scene seemingly unharmed. Both companies deny involvement and offer their condolences, and UNN investigators have pointed to the launch point as being within the Eurasian heartland- with the country denying any and all nuclear launches from its territory- but public opinion still seems firmly rooted in the belief that one of the two corporations had to be involved due to the utter lack of cause for Eurasia to enter into an African front while engaged with Federation-UNN forces in the east.
Though the conquest of Madagascar signals a turning point in the war, it is unlikely that it will come to a speedy conclusion due to the sheer scope of Dominoes' mission in the continent: to free the African people of the evil melanin which plagues their society, and to forge a new future where every man, woman, and child can never go hungry again thanks to a fast, fresh delivery of steaming hot pizza pies to their doors. Economic observers speculate that this latter goal will be more than feasible given Dominoes' current production capacity, accounting for the massive drop in population due to their organized genocide of the native Africans at the behest of the chain's C.E.O, who has in the past voiced an interest in requiring all customers compare their skin against a tone chart in order to receive service, as well as stating that he simply can't trust a person whose skin doesn't let UV rays pass through it.